A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the dishevelled many turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent.  Over the course of the evening they get chatting.  At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no.  He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.  On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia.  - 'Melbourne', he tells her.

'So am I.  What suburb?' she inquires.  'Glen Iris' he replies.

'That's amazing.........' she says excitedly, '..........so am I - what street?' 'Cameo Street' he replies.

'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering.   'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished.

'You are NOT going to believe this........’ she screams, 'but I'm from number 22!  My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you.'

For all of you who work with rude customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.

The attendant replied, 'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.'

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'

Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'

Importance of Punctuation 

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the board, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. 

The men in the class wrote: 
"A woman, without her man, is nothing." 

The women in the class wrote: 
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

THE COMPASSIONATE LAWYER

One afternoon a lawyer riding in his limousine saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he  got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and children with me over there, under that tree."

If Facebook existed years ago

Ode to a Golf Ball

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.

Oh How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,

Of The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.


Stand proud you noble swingers of club and losers of balls

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.  Almost feels like a hybrid.

Invisible cloak

ED - We came across this again the other day, and we decided it really is too good to be forgotten

Roy Keane Rhapsody i.e to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Mama, I just kicked a man.
There's a screw loose in my head,
Because I tried to break his leg,

Fergie, the seasons just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away!

Forlan! Ooh -ooh - ooh,
Makes me want to sigh!
We'd score more goals with Sid James or Kenneth Williams, Carry On,
Camping, The whole teams just in tatters. Too late, my crime is done,
Tried to mangle Alfies spine,
Now he's aching all the time,

Goodbye Mick McCarthy, I've got to go, Got to leave the squad behind,
cos I'm a t**t! Veron! Ooh -ooh - ooh He doesn't seem to try, sometimes wish he'd never been bought at all.

(guitar solo)
(Opera Section)
I see a little packaged sandwich filled with prawns,
LAURENT BLANC! LAURENT BLANC!
HE'S JUST SLOW, OLD AND USELESS!
Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening indeed!!! WHERE IS RIO?, Where is Rio?, WHERE IS RIO?,
Where is Rio?,
Because Laurents far too slow! He's far too slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....
I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!
HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!
SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!
Here it comes, Open goal - Forlan must score.
HE WILL NOT!
No! He's simply got to score!
HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
No! He's simply got to score!
HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE.........
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Oh where is Rio? where is Rio ?
Has he really stubbed his toe ?
Beelzebub take the Nevilles from my side, Oh Please ?
Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeaaaase?

(Guitar riff)

So you think that I punch refs and spit in their eyes?
Would I kick Alan Shearer and leave him to die?
Oh baby, Even though I seem crazy,
I'm Roy the Red, rich, thick and madder each year.
(Slow bit)

Go on, dig out your copy of Bohemian Rap and sing these lyrics to it – you know you want to!

CONSTRUCTION DEFINITIONS

ARCHITECTS ESTIMATE:                      The cost of construction in heaven

MANAGEMENT CONTRACT:                  The technique for losing your shirt under perfect control

COMPLETION DATE:                             The point at which liquidated damages begin

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES:                       A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible

QUANTITY SURVEYORS:           People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded

LAWYERS:                               People who go in after the Quantity Surveyors and strip the bodies

SUB-CONTRACTOR:                             A gambler, who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal

TENDER SUBMISSION                         A poker game in which the losing hand wins

TENDER SUM:                                     A wild guess carried out to two decimal places

SUCCESSFUL TENDERER:                  A contractor who is wondering what he left out

An ARCHITECT is a man who knows very little about a great deal, and keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows practically nothing about everything.

A CONSULTING ENGINEER knows a great deal about very little, and goes on knowing more and more about less and less until he knows practically everything about nothing.

A CONTRACTOR starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up knowing nothing due to his association with Architects and Consulting Engineers.

Heart Burn and Gaviscon ad

This is one of the best blooper ads we've seen, it demonstrates what can happen when companies outsource their ads to foreign countries in order to cut costs. Someone who is ESL (English as a second language) wrote the copy l ine for this ad (see below).  The little firemen coming out of the bottle are supposed to be there. It's the writing at the end, that is the problem. 

Model Sues Mexican Plastic Surgeon